Day 25, Saturday: Something someone told you about
yourself that you'll never forget (good or bad)
I always felt like my dad was in my corner. When I was really little, maybe 4 or 5 I remember him driving me down to the lake for swim lessons but as soon as we got there I freaked out and was so afraid, and he just took me home without getting angry, and taught me how to swim on our own. My dad was the one who understood how much I wanted a horse when I was young, and gave me permission to buy one (much to my mom's chagrin). My dad was the one who first took an interest in my writing, having an essay that I wrote when I was in 5th grade published in an Episcopal newsletter, and he made me feel like I could be a good writer. He even took me and a bunch of my friends to an Osmond concert back in the day when Donny was my true love. When I was struggling with things as a teenager it was my dad that I went to for help.
I believe my sister had similar feelings. Plus my dad was the one who encouraged her to paint and gave her watercolor lessons when she was quite young. She became an artist, and as adults when we were all together she and my dad would have these long discussions about her art, and art in general. This was when my kids were pretty young and I was going through a difficult phase in my marriage and was on medication for postpartum depression after having my third child. I had lost a lot of weight before that pregnancy but on that medication I gained about 25 pounds. Well I remember one day when we were visiting at my parents, and he had had some of those conversations with my sister and though I understood their connection with art I was a bit jealous of their conversations together and the attention she was getting from him. So imagine how excited I was when once my youngest was napping he called me into the living room saying he wanted to talk to me about something. I was so excited and eager to have his attention! And then he began - " are you aware that you have been putting on quite a bit of weight lately?" I was totally crushed. THAT was what he wanted to talk about with me?? My mind just shut down and I have no idea what else he said, but that was devastating to me, and still makes me tear up to remember it. I know he was concerned about my health, but all I could feel was that he couldn't see me beyond my physical appearance and was ashamed of how I looked. I was so not expecting that! And of course I was aware! I already felt awful about gaining the weight, and helpless to stop it too. I wish I could forget it and how it made me feel. My dad was a great father and I owe a lot to him. But that was something that has stuck with me and has slightly marred my memories of my dad.
Oh and it did NOT make me lose weight! Once I got off the medication I gradually lost it.
Vicky, I'm so sorry this memory is still so strong. Dad was great and he was not perfect. You are right that he meant it in the most concerned and loving way and you are right that it was not helpful to you at all. He never had trouble controlling his weight and at that time it was the other way around--he could not maintain his weight, so he did not understand how difficult it can be. And I'm sorry I seemed to monopolize his attention.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I find writing about things like this helps me to let go of the emotions wrapped up in them. I hope writing this blog post has been a positive experience for you, helping you to remember how much you loved Dad and how much he loved you and letting go of the hurt.
Love,
Sallie
I agree - Dad was great and yet not perfect. He would often chide Mom about carrying a "typewriter" (her extra weight). And he teased me when I cried and called me Eeyore. He also made a special trip with me to the used car lot to say goodbye to the first car I had known when he traded it in. And took me to Woodberry Forest, driving hours through rural Virginia so I could watch Episcopal High School's end of the season rivalry game. Not to mention, that he bought the red house which we all love.
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