The May blog challenge is over but I am going to attempt to continue this blog on my own . . . I hope you will continue to check it out from time to time!
Do you remember when the big thing to do was to have a "gratitude journal"? I think Oprah got this going with her book group pick of the book Simple Abundance, Journal of Gratitude. The book claims that "Gratitude is the most passionate transformative force in the cosmos", and that if you give thanks for 5 gifts everyday it will change your life. I do believe gratitude is a powerful thing and I had always meant to do it but never got around to writing things down. I do quite often feel grateful for the many gifts in my life - a great family both extended and immediate, a lovely (if sometime crowded!) home, all our needs like food and heat covered, and healthy happy children, and being able to return to NH every summer. The last few years I have been especially grateful that all of my family have employment. So I would like to set out the intention to sometimes write about gratitude. But before that I am going to touch on something I was never able to talk about much, something I went through for about 4 years, and that is depression. I am SOOOO GRATEFUL not to be in that place any more!
No one wants to talk about it. In fact, when I was experiencing it I felt like no one wanted to acknowledge that it even existed or was a real thing.
Oh oh oh, there's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away?
Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am
Don't run away
Promise you'll stay
Those are the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's song Dark Side, and when I first heard the song it did take me back to those days. It started as a postpartum depression after my third child, but didn't really hit hard enough to until she was nearly a year old. Even though all 3 of my kids were sleeping well I was tired all the time. It got to the point where I was forcing myself to do anything besides nap. The only activity that seemed appealing to me was curling up on the couch in a big pink down comforter (ok so winter in NH might have had something to do with it) and sleeping.
Even when John was back home full time after working out of state for 2 years and only being home weekends I felt it. There was a sensation in my head of being at the top of a roller coaster and starting down the steep side, out of control. I remember the doctor talking to me about it and me saying " I can't be depressed, everything is gong so well with John home and with the 3 great kids, nothing is wrong" but fortunately for me he diagnosed it and put me on medication. The medication did help though it caused weight gain which I wrote about earlier, and I did also go through some therapy which helped as well. I am lucky my friends did not desert me, and even made me do fun things like skiing that I had always loved. I had lots of migraines, and was hospitalized 3 times for things like kidney infection, bleeding disorder, and appendicitis that I think all had to do with the depression and wanting to escape. Or I wonder did I subconsciously want to have a "legitimate" problem that people could understand and be sympathetic to. Depression was like being in the bottom a ravine and being too exhausted to climb out. I didn't tell many people though I longed to have someone who would understand. I remember times when I would be driving somewhere and I would just wish I could just stop existing. I never felt like I would do anything to endanger my own life, but I did feel like I just didn't want to "be" anymore. I felt like it was a weakness or that people, even in my own family, would be scornful and either look down on me or didn't believe it was a real illness, and would just think I was a slacker. I felt like it was a burden to my husband, and that he might feel like he was somehow responsible or at least responsible for trying to fix it. It seemed like depression should only be something you experience when there are bad or sad things in your life, not when things are seemingly fine. Throughout this time I really did try to get physical exercise which we know helps at least as much as medication, and I am grateful to my friends who encouraged me and exercised with me - Susan, Judy, Jan, Barb, Mary, and Jane - and who never ran away - and eventually my energy and interest came back, and I was ready to get off the medication. I tried weaning off of it under Dr. directions, but I would have the weirdest dizzy feeling in my head, and actually had to switch to a different medicine and wean off of it, which worked. And then the weight came off too.
There is nothing like the feeling of being happy to wake up and interested in the goings on of the day, and being glad to be here. I am grateful that I got back here and feel so good. And I am very grateful for all my friends who did NOT push me away or stop encouraging and hanging out with me. I am aware of being grateful for my health and the health of my family on a daily basis. In a way I am even grateful for experiencing that depression so I am able to know how lucky I am and how good it feels NOT to have it now!
Today I am grateful for
1. rain for my garden and all the plants
2. having air conditioning - and the hvac guy here to check the system
3. being on break from teaching so I can re-energize for next school year - first day of summer vacation!
4. getting the chance to meet Caitlin's boyfriend who arrives today!
5. having Kristen here, and knowing she just talked to Brad a couple days ago and he is okay
Next time I will write about something more uplifting! But thanks for listening.
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