The Indomitable Bebe

 The Indomitable Bebe

Bebe, Bebes, The Bebester, Queen B or just B, whatever you called her she was a most amazing little dog. She was 7 pounds of white silky hair and big black eyes and whole lot of heart and attitude. Bebe was a dog who instantly stole our hearts. The very definition of a lap dog, she preferred being carried and would whine at Kristen’s feet until she was picked up.  

When she did walk, we marveled at the lightening speed of those tiny little legs.  She peed like a boy dog.  Bebe was tolerant of our other dogs, but conveyed a somewhat disdainful opinion of their dogginess. When Bebe ran, her ears would spread wide like airplane wings.  

Sometimes she would forget she didn’t believe she was a dog, and would attack toys, chase small sticks or balls, or maul slippers - but always with far more grace and aplomb than other dogs.

Occasionally she would forget where the bathroom was too.  I’ll never forget the time she left a little poop, perfectly swirled as soft serve ice cream in a cone, in the cup of Caitlins bra!

Bebe adored sleeping on the back of sofas, with a view out the window.  
 In the years that she stayed with us while Kristen was at college, she would be so excited to see Kristen pull up to the house, and would watch out that window hopefully for hours when Kristen was gone. Of course Bebe moved out and went with Kristen when she got married, and the sofa seemed empty and cold when I had to curl up for my naps after work without her fuzzy warmth.  Whenever Kristen and Brad visited the first thing we would ask them was “where’s Bebe?” as if a visit to us without her was not quite good enough.

With Bebe in her arms you’d better be nice to Kristen.  If you tapped Kristen’s arm Bebe would show her teeth and growl like she meant business.  If you kept it up she would pounce, ready to rip you to shreds. 

Bebe got to come stay in the Red House in NH a few times, and had a favorite spot on the upstairs windowsill overlooking the parking ledge in front of the house. 

When a car with Kristen in it would appear her tail would suddenly go into motion with a joyful vigorous wagging.  Of course we placed a pillow on the sill to make her more comfortable.  And sometimes she would accompany us on hikes, and make her way along waterfalls or up trails out onto rocky cliffs.  The last time we went up Rattlesnake together she got her little legs so covered in black mud that it looked as if she were wearing boots! We stopped on a flooded section of the dirt road to wash her on the way home. Although she did not enjoy bathing in a tub she was not above wading in a NH river!

Baths were a regular routine for her but no matter how many times she was bathed and dried she never gave up on her quest to kill the blow dryer.  When her hair was long she would appear to be rather plump and shaggy and the vet even suggested she needed to lose a few ounces before he saw that her body only accounted for about 1/10 of what he was looking at. 

When her hair was trimmed she was sleek and perky looking, and when she was wet she was hilarious. 

.  Although Bebe owned a few very cute little outfits she was not really that into dressing up unless it was for a photo shoot.  This however did not stop her from posing for some calendar photos or from giving fashion and other advice on her own blog, Queen B the Dog

(Bhttp://queenbthedog.blogspot.com/2015/07/suit-up.html?m=0)

As Bebes got older, one of her ears would stick up, giving her a comical quizzical appearance that did not detract at all from her appeal.  

There were not too many other signs of her aging.  Bebe enjoyed walks and outings right up until near the end when moving became difficult for her due to some cancerous tumors.  She loved to ride on Kristen’s lap, paws up on Kristen’s arm, looking out the window.  She was fearless and adorable, comical and dignified, and she had us all wrapped around her little paw. Although with great sorrow and heart break we now bid her farewell from our lives, she will remain in our hearts and our fondest memories as a most special little dog who touched us all with her big presence while she was here.  Bebe, we love you, we’ll miss you, and we’ll never forget you.

Leaving Drover's Run

Many of you don't know that I have been spending a lot of time visiting Drover's Run lately.  Drover's Run is a working sheep and cattle station in Australia, near Adelaide.  No I haven't really been to Australia, but I stumbled upon this great Australian TV show on Hulu called McLeod's Daughters.  Basically Claire, the eldest daughter grew up at Drover's and is running it after the death of her father.  Her half sister Tess who has been away from Drover's since she was a small child returns to collect her inheritance, thinking Claire will buy her half of the property. But Drover's is not running at a profit, and Tess ends up staying on with Claire to help run the station business.

There is so much that appeals to me about the show.  The station, being run by all women with just occasional assistance from the very handsome  Ryan brothers at the stations down the road -  and of course the assistance is reciprocal. The horses and real riding by the characters.  The fairly realistic portrayal of the difficulties of farming - vet's bills, weather ills, and the all to familiar to me fences down and needing repair.  The characters are fallible yet loyal, hardworking and fun.  The show is not afraid to veer off into the silly, the romantic or the dramatic so there is a wide variety among the episodes but it is all one cohesive story.  Until now.

I've been pondering "leaving" Drover's Run because it is about to change drastically.  2 of my favorite characters have left the show at the end of the third season, and I just can't imagine how it could have the same heart without them.  Plus I cheated and looked ahead and saw that there are more major cast changes coming.  Reviews on Amazon claim that the show is still good but not the same and not quite as good after the first 3 seasons.  I have been in a dilemma - keep watching and give it a try?  Stop while it is still good?  Or maybe even go back and start over and decide next time I get to this point?

I can totally imagine myself in there alongside Tess and Claire as they "drench" the sheep, "muster" the cattle, and tangle with the barbed wire fences, and agonize over the vet bills.  ( I actually do have real life experience with fences and vet bills from my horsey days).  I want to flirt with Alex and Nick, and attend the barbecues and tennis parties with all of the them.  I want to move into the bunkhouse in the room next to Becky and help Meg in the garden.

You may be thinking I take TV shows too seriously, and I have, from time to time.  But there really is something special about this one, and I am dreading the major changes coming to it.  I think I will just take a little break from life at Drover's Run, and then maybe start all over again in a few months.  It's not real life after all.  Maybe I will just continue on the adventures in my own mind for now!  I can always decide to return later.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Just had my 54th birthday.   Tried to skip it but it happened anyway.  Birthdays don't usually bother me too much but this one did, I think because I am feeling so restricted with sciatica and it makes me feel old. Identifying getting older with being in pain and seeing the coming years as a downhill slide into feeling worse and worse does not exactly put me in a celebratory mood! So maybe I need to change my outlook.  I do have things to look forward to - hopefully becoming a grandparent one of these days,
eventually having more time (and money?) to travel and garden and read, things like that.  But I can't just sit around (or lie around is more like it for now - can't sit really at all with this sciatica) and wait for those days to come.  So here is my list (in no particular order) of things I intend to get started on NOW-

1) Experiment with cooking new things - I enjoy cooking when I have time and am not exhausted.  I know the food is better for us. Well I should have the time, just need to work on not being exhausted!

2) Spend more time interacting with my husband, not just being in the same place at the same time.
Also a side effect of not having the energy to want to go out and do things.  I think I should do things
(like the Bot. Gardens social stuff, games or performances at UNC, etc.) even if I am exhausted and maybe it will turn out to be energizing.

3) Spend more time with friends even if it involves traveling and money.  I would love to get out
to CO to see Jane while she is still there, and get to NH more than once this year. I would also love to get to one of Caitln's track meets this year!

4) Keep working on open water swimming - on my own or with the masters, and sign up for races.

5) Not let work take over my whole life - find a way to change gears when I get home, and do
other things.  I often just eat, nap and then do more work stuff on the computer.  I intend to find a way to not be so exhausted by work (sleeping and eating better? New shoes?).  I want to feel more energetic, for working outside or walking the dog, or going out to something in the evening.

I feel like number 5 is really the big challenge since we have a somewhat more needy class this year than some years.  But my co-teacher and I are going to need to make it more simple and streamlined, really set priorities and ditch things that are not worth the time they take.  It is easy to go overboard but we must think about what the kids need most and focus on that.

I guess it all boils down to balance in my life.  And that reminds me, I need to go do those exercises for stabilizing my back!

Things are going swimmingly this summer!

I have just completed teaching 3 sessions of swim lessons, 2 classes in each session working with my daughter Caitlin.  I have mixed feelings about teaching swim lessons, mainly because they start before I finish my regular teaching job when I am really ready for a break, and although it doesn't take a lot of time it is an everyday obligation, and they have to be in the morning before the pool opens, which would be prime gardening time for me, while my garden is shady and cool.
But it is nice to make a bit of money quickly, and I do love working with children, and it is really special that it is something I do with my daughter.  This year was tough because it was never really very warm, and the poor kids were always so cold.  Most of them were pretty good sports, shivering and purple, but still trying their best.

While teaching swimming I decided that swim lessons are a good metaphor for life.  Some kids plunge right in with no regard for the consequences - like the 2 little boys I was constantly guiding back to the steps when they got in over their heads.  Some kids are extremely tentative and cautious, or even fearful.  Some are overly dependent on the artificial buoyancy of being held up by floats or adults.  I do enjoy the challenge of working with all these types.  It is very similar to raising children.

~First thing is to teach them some safety skills and boundaries - no going in the pool without an adult - stay on the steps until it is your turn.

~Develop a good rapport with them, make it personal. Use eye contact. Yes, you have to get down in the cold water too!

~Give them enough support to gain some skills and confidence, and then gradually have them rely more on their own power.

~Intuit when they need a little extra support and encouragement

~Don't get upset over mistakes and mishaps, just calmly remind them how to spit and blow water out of their mouths and noses, and to inhale only above the surface!

~Try again.

~Keep learning fun with games and props and jokes

~Applaud acts of bravery and effort but with an "I knew you could do it" attitude.

~Challenge them to push themselves to new levels and to try new things even if it is scary

~You can give them advice but don't flip out if they don't take it (put some goggles on, pull your hair back).  Some kids may do things in a way you don't expect but that works for them.

~When they are ready, let them do it all on their own. You have to let go of them.

I am very hard on myself with the teaching.  I am always wondering if I could do something better or something more.  Is there a better technique I could be using? Would this child do better in that group?
Did I push this one too hard or this one not hard enough?

In the end though I know we were very successful.  Every beginner swimmer that came through our lessons this year was putting their face in the water and making some kind of swimming progress through the water by the end of their session.  Some learned to float or to swim underwater, or to really swim a beginner freestyle or elementary backstroke.  Some of the more advanced swimmers learned to breathe to the side during freestyle.  Some learned to dive.  Some learned backstroke or breaststroke for the first time, or how to push off properly from the side for these strokes.  Every one of them gained some confidence, some safety skills and learned that swimming lessons can be enjoyable.

We had a lot of happy parents, and one parent in particular, who last year had said something about our lessons being too expensive but then after trying lessons in a couple of other places over the winter, and signing up for our classes this year, declared to another parent at the end of her second session with us that our lessons are "the best swim lessons in Chapel Hill".   I am really glad that the other parent told us about that comment.  Swim instructors need positive feedback too!

Every year I remind myself of how much I wish I just had free time in June with no lessons, but then I think about how satisfying it is when we see the kids learn to swim.  I am pretty sure I will be back in the pool next summer on those chilly mornings, exhorting the kids to "kick kick kick! Little fast flutters!" and "reach and pull!"

My Hairy Situation

You just never know what you are going to get.  This is true with children, and gardens, and lately my hair.  I seem to be having a bad hair season.  And the thing is I just don't really care that much about my hair.  I just want some kind of cut and style where I don't have to think about it, and definitely don't get frustrated by it.
My first choice would be to cut it off pretty short so I can just run my fingers through it after swimming and not have to dry or style it, and it would always be up off my neck and out of my face.

How it was last July, just a plain old bob.

For the past year I have had it a bit longer in an above-the-shoulders-bob that HAS to be blow dried, preferably with some kind of styling product, and then touched up with the curling iron to get it to behave.

How it was for the past year until this April -

It only takes me about 10 minutes, but still, that's 10 minutes out of my life I will never get back, spent on my HAIR!  But I guess I must have some vanity because I will say I get a lot of compliments on this style (see above photo).  I had my last cut a couple days before our trip to St. John.  I had scheduled an appointment with my usual stylist, for a highlight and cut so it would look nice on our trip.  But she ended up canceling the appointment and I was stuck so had to go to someone else at the last minute.  Well it was a nightmare.  She had to try twice to do the highlighting, wrong product the first time, and then spent over an hour cutting.  Panda usually has my color and cut done and styled in just an hour and 15.  This time took over 2 1/2 hours!  I should have known something was wrong when she put OIL on my hair . . . I have never had to do that.  Turns out the double highlight process really fried my hair and it was crisp and frizzy.  She also cut my layers way too short so now they just curl out away from my head in unruly waves . . .  it now takes me more time and more product to get it even close to how it was.  Plus the layers are too short to pull back for gardening, running, etc.


Note how frizzy it is and sticking out half way up the side . . . and this is with a LOT of product and no shampoo . . . and felt like straw!

I used to wear it longer, which was nice because no real styling involved and I could pull it back.

But my husband would say I should get a cut so it would look styled . . . not really sure what he means but he has not complimented my hair since  . . .  wow it has been a long time, I think since 2005 when I came home from a cut and my hair was still poofy from the stylist.  He seems to like poofy styled hair.  And when I have it long it usually just ends up looking sloppy like this

Hmmm, maybe that is what my husband is objecting to when he says it doesn't look
"styled".

 So it has been driving me crazy and I was about to schedule an appointment to cut it all off, but then I looked at the photos from my son's wedding (happy third anniversary today!) when it was pretty short and I have to say I am a bit shocked at how matronly it looks.  I mean I accept that I am in my fifties but I don't think I really look as old as I do in this photo:I

Ick!  Luckily no one looking at me that day . . . and that dress, what was I thinking? It was short at Kristen's wedding too though I like the cut a bit better - this is right after it was cut, taken at her bridal luncheon - so I hadn't tried to style it - never came out quite this nice for me.  But I didn't like it how it was suddenly longer in the back.

The thing is I really actually like my hair.  Usually it is soft and shiny and manageable and IF there are any gray hairs in there they don't really show up (yet).

But I wish I could cut it super short like this pic of my sister

only have it be my color, not her gray - although it looks fabulous on her!  But I am afraid that looks close enough to the previous photo to not come out right.  Plus I still remembering my mom telling my my head looks too small for my body when it is really short.  What to do??  I suppose I can work on shrinking my body . . .  and then if that goes well maybe I can get it cut so I look like this

Don't you think I could look like this?? (I deleted the photo as it was showing up in my facebook blog share and I can't figure out how to change it)

Gratitude For My Dark Side

The May blog challenge is over but I am going to attempt to continue this blog on my own . . . I hope you will continue to check it out from time to time!

Do you remember when the big thing to do was to have a "gratitude journal"? I think Oprah got this going with her book group pick of the book Simple Abundance, Journal of Gratitude.  The book claims that "Gratitude is the most passionate transformative force in the cosmos", and that if you give thanks for 5 gifts everyday it will change your life.  I do believe gratitude is a powerful thing and I had always meant to do it but never got around to writing things down.  I do quite often feel grateful for the many gifts in my life - a great family both extended and immediate, a lovely (if sometime crowded!) home, all our needs like food and heat covered, and healthy happy children, and being able to return to NH every summer.  The last few years I have been especially grateful that all of my family have employment.   So I would like to set out the intention to sometimes write about gratitude.  But before that I am going to touch on something I was never able to talk about much, something I went through for about 4 years, and that is depression.  I am SOOOO GRATEFUL not to be in that place any more!
No one wants to talk about it.  In fact, when I was experiencing it I felt like no one wanted to acknowledge that it even existed or was a real thing.  

Oh oh oh, there's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away?

Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am

Don't run away
Promise you'll stay

Those are the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's song Dark Side, and when I first heard the song it did take me back to those days.  It started as a postpartum depression after my third child, but didn't really hit hard enough to until she was nearly a year old.  Even though all 3 of my kids were sleeping well I was tired all the time.  It got to the point where I was forcing myself to do anything besides nap.  The only activity that seemed appealing to me was curling up on the couch in a big pink down comforter (ok so winter in NH might have had something to do with it) and sleeping.
Even when John was back home full time after working out of state for 2 years and only being home weekends I felt it.  There was a sensation in my head of being at the top of a roller coaster and starting down the steep side, out of control.  I remember the doctor talking to me about it and me saying " I can't be depressed, everything is gong so well with John home and with the 3 great kids, nothing is wrong" but fortunately for me he diagnosed it and put me on medication.  The medication did help though it caused weight gain which I wrote about earlier, and I did also go through some therapy which helped as well.  I am lucky my friends did not desert me, and even made me do fun things like skiing that I had always loved.  I had lots of migraines, and was hospitalized 3 times for things like kidney infection, bleeding disorder, and appendicitis that I think all had to do with the depression and wanting to escape. Or I wonder did I subconsciously want to have a "legitimate" problem that people could understand and be sympathetic to. Depression was like being in the bottom a ravine and being too exhausted to climb out. I didn't tell many people though I longed to have someone who would understand.  I remember times when I would be driving somewhere and I would just wish I could just stop existing.  I never felt like I would do anything to endanger my own life, but I did feel like I just didn't want to "be" anymore. I felt like it was a weakness or that people, even in my own family, would be scornful and either look down on me or didn't believe it was a real illness, and would just think I was a slacker.  I felt like it was a burden to my husband, and that he might feel like he was somehow responsible or at least responsible for trying to fix it.  It seemed like depression should only be something you experience when there are bad or sad things in your life, not when things are seemingly fine.  Throughout this time I really did try to get physical exercise which we know helps at least as much as medication, and I am grateful to my friends who encouraged me and exercised with me - Susan, Judy, Jan, Barb, Mary, and Jane - and who never ran away -  and eventually my energy and interest came back, and I was ready to get off the medication.  I tried weaning off of it under Dr. directions, but I would have the weirdest dizzy feeling in my head, and actually had to switch to a different medicine and wean off of it, which worked.  And then the weight came off too.
There is nothing like the feeling of being happy to wake up and interested in the goings on of the day, and being glad to be here.  I am grateful that I got back here and feel so good.  And I am very grateful for all my friends who did NOT push me away or stop encouraging and hanging out with me.  I am aware of being grateful for my health and the health of my family on a daily basis. In a way I am even grateful for experiencing that depression so I am able to know how lucky I am and how good it feels NOT to have it now!

Today I am grateful for
1. rain for my garden and all the plants
2. having air conditioning - and the hvac guy here to check the system
3. being on break from teaching so I can re-energize for next school year - first day of summer vacation!
4. getting the chance to meet Caitlin's boyfriend who arrives today!
5. having Kristen here, and knowing she just talked to Brad a couple days ago and he is okay

Next time I will write about something more uplifting!  But thanks for listening.

Letting Go - not one of my strengths

May 30 - React to this term:  Letting go

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. ~Helen Keller

Letting go - the very words bring a heaviness to my heart.  I am not good at letting go.  I cling to the familiar and the beloved, whether it is a tradition, a period of time, a location, or a memory.  I am not so much attached to objects as to experiences, and even when it is something I look forward to, such as a different summer schedule like this year where I will have more time to spend in NH it is hard for me to let go of the pattern of the past 10 summers.  Once I made the decision to leave in June I immediately experienced the anxiety I get from change - but I am trying to let go of it.  I am very excited to spend more time in NH especially since my own family will be there more this year, but I will still be anxious about leaving John and my garden and my NC pool days behind for so long.  During the transitional times in my life - graduations, beginning new jobs, getting married, moving, I am often plagued by nightmares of "end of the world", fantastical dreams of lava spewing, earth upheaving, flooding and doom.  This is how my subconscious reacts to letting go!  

Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love? ~Leo Buscaglia

Letting go - I wish I was better at letting go of painful memories.  My memory is very strong, with vivid memories even back from before I could talk.  Is there a method to use to let go of the negative memories?  My husband can tell you that I never forget a hurtful comment . . . and it sometimes makes me reluctant to take a chance, especially with my heart.  Even memories that aren't really mine can affect me.  I almost did not adopt my sweet little spitfire dog because I was afraid that looking at her cut-off ears would remind me that she had been abused and that it would be too big a burden on my heart.  But the encouragement of friends and family helped me let go of that fear, and I have her here with me.

Letting go - as a teacher I have to let go of my class of children every year at this time, and send them all off to other schools.  It is a good example of something that even though it can feel hard at the time is really a positive and exciting thing.  At the end of the year we make little scrap books for the kids of photos and mementos and making the books gives me a chance to look back through the year with each child, and then to send them out.  Maybe I can use this blog as my scrapbook, going back over the special times, and then try to mentally send myself on into the future, into the unknown, and not look back so much.